Normally two days without talking to some one is no big deal, however when you are used to talking to some one everyday throughout the whole day, it feels like forever. I learned this recently. So the new wonderful man in my life recently went across seas for some travels. I am going to call him Mr. Gold Chocobo or GC for short. Well Mr. GC went to Fiji where they don’t have much Internets around. Two days felt horrible and brought up the fact I have insecurities still.
In order to feel connected I used the WhatsApp to write to him. I figured I would post something in the AM and once in the PM to let him know what happened during the day. I know my self, I would forget what happened by the time I knew I would be talking with him so I figured this was safer. It was nice cause I could post pics. As day two was ending I realized that maybe this might be taken either with joy or him thinking I am a stage five cling on. But I figured if he doesn’t like it then I guess he is not right for me. I just was hoping he would take it the right way.
About half way through day two as well, I got a text from him. He found some one out there with texting and messaged me that he was safe and missing and loving me, and no shark bites. (I made him promise he would not get attacked by a shark.) I don’t know if it was the text or what but it was the first night in two nights that I could fall asleep. I am use to talking with him before bed and the lack of his voice apparently has messed with my sleep, and libido.
Morning day three he had access to internet and I got about 45 minutes of messaging with him. It was amazing. not much was said on my part but he was so happy about me leaving notes. He apparently had some insecurities pop up because he was scared since he wasn’t talking to me that I would give up on him. Thankfully for him I am a level-headed woman and am not into drama. We shared a couple of pics and told each other how much we miss and love one another and then his time was up. I might have teared up a bit, but I am hormonal since I am waiting to drop an egg any day. (sorry for the grossness)
The only thing that bugs me, and it is me looking too far into it, is I have told him many times that I am only his and monogamous but he hasn’t really said anything like that. It’s not like he is avoiding it, we normally get super distracted often onto other topics. I can tell if people are sleeping with other people. I know the red flags and what not, but it would be nice for the confirmation every once in a while. I plan on just asking when he gets back to Alaska but right now is just not the time. If he does sleep with some one I guess he is allowed to since we have not really put labels, but I honestly in my gut don’t think that he is or would do that since he knows how much it hurts. Maybe we should have the DTR talk in the next month, I just want to be certain that we can get through this before making it super official. I would be hurt but understanding if he did, but I trust my gut feeling.
Anyways back to the main topic, see told you I get sidetracked easily, two days no talking sucks. I could not imagine how military or even people 20 years ago got through long bouts of not talking to love ones. Thank goodness for the internet.
I dated said rebound for a while. I think when I broke up with him it was a total of three months. He was head over heals for me and he was younger. Not by much but mentally he was very selfish. It was fun and showed me what I wanted and what I didn’t. I just remember waking up one day and thinking this is not what I want either. It was a moment that I felt kind of ashamed of because of the reasons. It was no longer important to me if the person was funny and nerdy. I was starting to think about building a family and I just could not see my self in that person’s life style having kids and living the way I want to. I felt snobbish for the way I was feeling but I knew it wouldn’t work out. I crushed his heart, which in turn crushed mine because he did nothing wrong.
I wound up having a school girl crush on this guy at work and tried pursuing him for a couple of weeks but he never responded the way I wanted. I even made him a birthday present and all he did was give me a side hug. I gave up on that as well. I honestly figured by this point that maybe I’ll just stay single. Maybe there is no one out there for me, that I am just the girl who is there to let other guys know there is something better out there for them. My ex kept trying to talk to me cause he missed me, but I told him I can’t. I was fine with being alone.
Funny thing about life is that it is true when people say that when you stop looking things will happen. April I met the new chapter that I am currently on. Well I met him a couple of times before but he was too good-looking I wrote him off as gay or a d-bag. Big, big mistake. He is everything I have ever wanted on my check list plus more. I fell there is no settling with him. We fully met at a Game of Thrones night that our mutual friend had. She has had a thing for him for years but he seemed never to be interested. I knew she was in love with him so I tried keeping to myself, but as the night went on we talked for hours. Then it was time for bed. Him and I had the living room, I figured one would sleep on the sofa and the other the floor. I remember I was looking like a hot mess since I was not interested in any one coming but when I came out of the bathroom he had made sleeping areas on the floor using the cushions from the sofa.
We stayed up geeking out over everything we had fandoms for and laughed a lot. At one point he made comment to the rebound as my boy friend because when we first met I was dating someone. I let him knew that I was very single, not to hit on him but to just clarify things. Then he kissed me. We kissed for a good couple hours and realized we should calm down before we did anything rash, and then he asked me out on a date. For the following month we maybe didn’t sleep next to each other for maybe three nights but we always wanted to be near each other. There was a down side to this, he was leaving in May to New Zealand.
This brings us to the present. He is currently in Alaska with his family and will be heading over tomorrow to Fiji then New Zealand, but plans changed slightly. He will be coming back in a couple of weeks to Alaska to work and then, if things work well, we will be going to New Zealand come October.
There are maybe things that I have left out but I will get to them as I go. I am sorry that this is no longer a wedding DIY blog, but things are getting too interesting not to share. Plus I feel that maybe seeing some one else go through a horrible break up and or do long distance might help some one else. So stay tuned I guess, and don’t worry there will be crafting coming up as well.
He got very sick and was hospitalized and silly me felt bad. It had only been a couple of days since he was kicked out. His mother and I had been talking and she convinced me that I needed to show him how good of a wife I could be. That it was partly my fault because I was not fully cleaning and cooking every night for him. I took him in and let him heal and during that time period asked him if it was worth my time trying to trust him again. I mean this was the man who I thought I wanted to be with and this was not his typical behavior. He slowly moved back in the following two weeks.
First week of December though was the last straw. The not coming home habit started back up again. This time he was staying in a hotel. The drinking was getting worse too.
One night I came out to have after work drinks because it was the first time he had wanted me out with him in over a month. We went to the hotel, didn’t have sex and fell asleep. The next night he called saying he wasn’t coming home. I just really wanted to talk to him and see what was going on. My health had gone down, I was super anemic and was down about 15 pounds. I wasn’t sleeping, I was crying all the time and I was super weak. I just wanted to know so I drove to meet him there. That’s when I saw him and her get out of a cab at the hotel that him and I stayed at.
I won’t lie I said somethings that I am not proud of. I raised my voiced and called both of them whores. I was crushed. They kept saying this was not sexual but to me that made it even worse. He had emotionally replaced me too. He let her speak to me about how he no longer loves me, that he hadn’t in some time and that she was not responsible for his actions. I went home alone that night and to add insult to injury he called and wanted me to answer a question over the phone so she could hear it, did we have sex in the hotel the night before? I refused to answer it.
He came back around during Christmas time. I let him crash on the sofa but I told him never to touch me again. Christmas and New Years were awkward. We spent them together and went through the motions but it wasn’t real. At this time we were no one to each other. No titles, just the way he wanted it. I started seeing some one. It wasn’t on purpose. I didn’t think, “Yay I’m single! Let’s live it up.” I meet some one nice who treated me like I wanted to be treated by my ex. He was my rebound.
A week into January, my ex found out I was dating and through a fit. It became a very physical fight, and after the third time he shoved me into something I let him leave. I normally don’t let him leave when he is that drunk, but I had a moment realizing that this was no longer worth me fighting for. I gave up.
Ok time to face to music. Sometimes things don’t work the way you want. That is what happened. Things between my fiance and I failed. I do take a tiny bit of responsibility for pushing him away last summer. I took up my dream job which required me to work long days and when I should have gone home on many nights I was selfish and went out with friends. It had been a long time since I was able to be my self around people and make friends that I got caught up in it. I realized what I was doing around August and apologized and tried nesting and working on us. We decided to hold the wedding for a year because of money and everything seemed to be going well.
Then Halloween happened. Typically this was a day we both looked forward to. We would put on awesomely made costumes, made by me, and we would always go out and have a great night. This last years not so much. He wound up telling me the day of that he didn’t want to do anything, he was tired. I understood that but I did get us tickets to a show. So I went by myself, fully dressed, and then went home. It is the one holiday that I love and he just didn’t care. The following day he didn’t come home.
When some one you love does not answer their phone and is not coming home, not at their normal bars, and none off his close friends know where he is, it makes your stomach turn. The first week of November was our anniversary and we decided to get secretly married with a couple of friends. We paid the fees and had everything set up. I don’t know if it was cold feet that started this or him realizing he was becoming an adult but something went horribly wrong. He started hanging out with a 40 something year old from work and drinking way more. I knew he had a drinking problem but he would wake up and before work have three beers. I knew I was losing him but he wouldn’t tell me why or even if he was coming home. He would tell me how crazy I was acting because I would call him 6 times a night trying to see if he was alive. He made me believe I was the issue and I was smothering him. I am sorry but when you live with some one for two and a half years and the person starts not showing up the other person has the right to worry. I offered a break after our anniversary weekend. He took that and we did not get married.
Before I go into the next part of this story I just want to clarify something. Yes, I know I am a nice person, sometimes too nice. Also if you are honest with me I can work with you but if you lie you are shit out of luck. I gave him the chance to tell me if he wanted a monogamous break or if he wanted to see other people. I gave him the chance to be honest and he said that I was all he wanted he just needed space. I was a fool and believed him. After the first week he was making out with said 40 something year old in front of co-workers and friends. He knew they were there and still had no qualms about it. I dropped off his stuff at his place of work and told him to fuck off. This was week 3 of November.